Can you feel my fear?

Discharge day has come & gone in a whirlwind. Let me try to get caught up on the last week…..

Friday we took the kids to see their new school. Both were SILENT. They were clearly terrified, with Donald even HIDING behind Mickey. I wasn’t thrilled with the lack of planning on the school’s part. Both kids came into their classrooms during activities and were not made to feel very welcome at all. As we left the school it was Daffy’s turn to use a particular Nintendo game and Donald was not happy about it, refusing to give it up. This went on for a few miles and I finally demanded that he do it. He promptly threw the game at his sister and slammed the system into my hand and began using his classic profane language. When we pulled into the driveway, he refused to get out of the car (one we are borrowing because Mickey’s transmission went a few weeks back). Mickey leaned in to unbuckle him and he promptly started kicking him all the while screaming like a girl. He then began kicking the dogs who came out to greet us as they do every time we get home.  What a freakin’ fiasco! Mickey had to practically drag him into the house where he continued the nonsense of swearing and throwing things at us. Needless to say, that set the tone for the long holiday week.

Saturday and Sunday were filled with varying degrees of agression on Donald’s part including him slamming coffee mugs, throwing things at people (including guests in our home) and punching a window. Good times.

We returned the kids on Monday night for our last evening without them. Needless to say, that reality kicked up some major anxiety for me. Tuesday I actually broke down and took a prescription med that I havent taken in months because I felt like I would have a heart attack. Mickey, Tink, Goofy and I made the final one hour treck to pick up the kids that afternoon. What should have been one of the most amazing days of my life was instead filled with dread, self-doubt and fear. Tinkerbell clearly felt the same way; she even cried as we were leaving because she was so sad for the future of our family.

I fully expected a complete meltdown on that first night, but we actually managed to survive with just the usual incessant arguing between Donald & Daffy. That is until 2am when Donald decided he had enough sleep for the night. What the f&@k?? Seriously. This is stressful enough without HIM being awake all night long. Obviously we sent him back to bed and there I lay, wondering if he was getting a knife to stab me or if he found a cat to strangle.

Fast forward to the next morning… the first day at the new school! Again, I fully expected a meltdown that didnt come. I weaseled my way out of taking them to school because I was so angry, I really didnt even want to LOOK at them. Mickey took them and said they seemed okay. My phone rang during the school day and of course, I expected the worst. Amazingly, an aide was calling to tell me what a “great day” he was having. Ha! Have fun on the honeymoon, sweetheart! I ASSURE you it wont last long!

I survived yesterday afternoon and evening with them and they were actually much better about staying in bed last night. My biggest issue right now is finding a way to let go of my anger at their “behaviors” to start each day new. Its extremely hard to do when the constant level of anxiety about what he will do next is always at a max. He is argumentative, defiant and assualtive on an almost constant basis. And while I know it seems that I am hyper focused on “him”, trust me SHE is no peach… her single goal in life is to send him into a rage all with an innocent look & a smile on her face. Gotta love Reactive Attachment Disorder! This is 1000% more challenging than I ever could have imagined and I can completely understand why so many other families have thrown in the towel, which are words I never believed I would say.

So, at this point, what I need most is someone (anyone? everyone?) to tell me that this is NOT what my life will be like every single minute for the rest of my life, because if it is, I will NOT survive. My biological kids won’t survive. My husband won’t survive. My family won’t survive.

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6 Comments

  1. It’s difficult for me to read your post because I remember so well. I ended up in therapy and on anti-anxiety meds within weeks of Ashley moving in w/ us. I had this CD (https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/cart/store.jsp?view=4&i=69&navicat=25&navisubcat=78&naviprod=69) playing on a continuous loop in my car and on my computer and it helped a lot but wasn’t enough. I could not see forward to a place that wasn’t hell. I remember thinking, and saying to my therapist, I do not believe I will ever be OK again.

    I knew that scared kids do scary things; I knew that my child needed unconditional love; I knew she needed me to be the calm one who wasn’t mired in fear, with all my own trauma triggered by hers … but I couldn’t to it. One day, I couldn’t even get out of bed. I had to say to my husband, you need to get up and take care of the girls; I just can’t do it; I can’t move.”

    I can’t tell you exactly how it changed, but first we had one good day, and then we had a week with a couple good days, and then the good days became the norm and the melt-downs and testing (some foster kids need to see how much you can take … it’s as if they are saying “will you send me away if I do this?” “What about this”?) became the rarity.

    I really do believe that you will survive. I really do believe that your life will not always be this way. Most importantly, I believe that broken kids can heal.

    Hugs to you! I know it’s hard to believe, but you will get through this!

    Reply
    • Rebecca, Your works mean so much to me! I LOVE hearing that people survived and made it through to the other side! Our agency has been stunned that we havent called it quits after a couple particular incedents and they are doing what they can to give us every support to keep it together. I am SO grateful for their help. I couldnt do this without them. I am definitely going to check out that CD also!

      Reply
  2. I should also mention that before this experience I was a person who scoffed at things like daily affirmations. I received that CD at a training and thought “yeah right, I’m never going to use this.” Ha!

    Reply
  3. My friend who I left the blog is also on twitter, WhatsQuacken send her a DM, she went through a lot with her girls.

    Reply
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