Discharge day has come & gone in a whirlwind. Let me try to get caught up on the last week…..
Friday we took the kids to see their new school. Both were SILENT. They were clearly terrified, with Donald even HIDING behind Mickey. I wasn’t thrilled with the lack of planning on the school’s part. Both kids came into their classrooms during activities and were not made to feel very welcome at all. As we left the school it was Daffy’s turn to use a particular Nintendo game and Donald was not happy about it, refusing to give it up. This went on for a few miles and I finally demanded that he do it. He promptly threw the game at his sister and slammed the system into my hand and began using his classic profane language. When we pulled into the driveway, he refused to get out of the car (one we are borrowing because Mickey’s transmission went a few weeks back). Mickey leaned in to unbuckle him and he promptly started kicking him all the while screaming like a girl. He then began kicking the dogs who came out to greet us as they do every time we get home. What a freakin’ fiasco! Mickey had to practically drag him into the house where he continued the nonsense of swearing and throwing things at us. Needless to say, that set the tone for the long holiday week.
Saturday and Sunday were filled with varying degrees of agression on Donald’s part including him slamming coffee mugs, throwing things at people (including guests in our home) and punching a window. Good times.
We returned the kids on Monday night for our last evening without them. Needless to say, that reality kicked up some major anxiety for me. Tuesday I actually broke down and took a prescription med that I havent taken in months because I felt like I would have a heart attack. Mickey, Tink, Goofy and I made the final one hour treck to pick up the kids that afternoon. What should have been one of the most amazing days of my life was instead filled with dread, self-doubt and fear. Tinkerbell clearly felt the same way; she even cried as we were leaving because she was so sad for the future of our family.
I fully expected a complete meltdown on that first night, but we actually managed to survive with just the usual incessant arguing between Donald & Daffy. That is until 2am when Donald decided he had enough sleep for the night. What the f&@k?? Seriously. This is stressful enough without HIM being awake all night long. Obviously we sent him back to bed and there I lay, wondering if he was getting a knife to stab me or if he found a cat to strangle.
Fast forward to the next morning… the first day at the new school! Again, I fully expected a meltdown that didnt come. I weaseled my way out of taking them to school because I was so angry, I really didnt even want to LOOK at them. Mickey took them and said they seemed okay. My phone rang during the school day and of course, I expected the worst. Amazingly, an aide was calling to tell me what a “great day” he was having. Ha! Have fun on the honeymoon, sweetheart! I ASSURE you it wont last long!
I survived yesterday afternoon and evening with them and they were actually much better about staying in bed last night. My biggest issue right now is finding a way to let go of my anger at their “behaviors” to start each day new. Its extremely hard to do when the constant level of anxiety about what he will do next is always at a max. He is argumentative, defiant and assualtive on an almost constant basis. And while I know it seems that I am hyper focused on “him”, trust me SHE is no peach… her single goal in life is to send him into a rage all with an innocent look & a smile on her face. Gotta love Reactive Attachment Disorder! This is 1000% more challenging than I ever could have imagined and I can completely understand why so many other families have thrown in the towel, which are words I never believed I would say.
So, at this point, what I need most is someone (anyone? everyone?) to tell me that this is NOT what my life will be like every single minute for the rest of my life, because if it is, I will NOT survive. My biological kids won’t survive. My husband won’t survive. My family won’t survive.