We were initially told we needed to use our own natural resources to provide care for the children. Since we are a pre-adoptive home, it is thought that we shouldn’t rely too much on the services our agency offers and more on ourselves since it will eventually be “just us.” It took our social worker just 6 days into the placement to set up respite for only the second full weekend Donald would be with us. Yeah, it’s that bad.
He is on a respite weekend right now, and while this does afford us safety for the weekend, I still have not been able to calm myself from my anger of yesterday morning. My heart still feels like its pounding and I am filled with anxiety knowing he will be back tomorrow to start the abuse over again. I honestly don’t understand how or why people stay in domestic violence situations. That is truly what we are living each day and its something we were not prepared for, and may never be. Even with all our sarcasm, we would never treat each other like he treats us.
Yesterday morning Donald got up early (what else is new?) and started pounding on Tink and Daffy’s bedroom door. He is NOT happy at all that they have locks. He hasnt expressed it verbally but you can tell by the pounding and kicking that he is furious he can’t get in to do what he wants. Tink told him to go back to bed. He continued to rage in the hall when Tink realized one of the cats was out there. She opened the door to get the cat and he attacked her. He punched her 3 times and kicked her to the point of bruising 5 or 6 times. Eventually she was able to get back in her room and he continued screaming and swearing at her. Mickey got back from dropping off Goofy at school and Donald bee lined it to his bunk. Mickey is pretty much the only thing that can keep him somewhat in control. Donald insisted he wasnt going to school. However, after he showered, he calmed down. And moved on. And so should everyone else. Or so he thinks. No, Donald, Tink does NOT forgive you in 6 minutes for kicking her, for punching her, for being physically and verbally abusive to her. She does not want to answer your question about whether or not you did a good job coloring in your Green Lantern coloring book. She doesn’t even want to see your face and honestly, I dont blame her.Our agency is all about natural consequences. The natural consequences for Donald attacking Tink are her not liking him. Rejection triggers his PTSD. Vicious cycle.
When we began this journey, we could not relate in any way to families who disrupted. People are not returnable. And then we were placed with Donald. And now I can completely understand why so many families have given him back. This is no way to live. They shouldnt have had to fear daily for their pets and their own safety. And neither should we. I am still committed, but each day it becomes more and more challenging to follow through on that commitment. Our focus is safety rather than attachment. I try not to look into the future, but will it always be about safety? We can’t live like this for another 7 years. We just can’t.