CPR/First Aid Training & a Donald Update

Mickey and I are now proudly CPR and First Aid certified. Mickey already knew most of the information and honestly, I panic under pressure (especially where blood is involved) so I will likely never use it, but at least its one more thing crossed off the list of things to accomplish as a newly licensed foster parent (and a not-quite-licensed foster parent, since Mickey still has 2 classes left to take to be added to the license)! <– Can’t wait for that to be done!

I called Donald tonight at the hospital and could hardly understand him. He sounded drunk and was muttering about “3 snacks.” I asked if he was okay and said he sounded funny and he told me it was just the phone. Daffy got on the phone with him and within seconds covered the mouth piece to ask if me if he was crying. Then, they got disconnected. I called back and the worker that answered explained that he had been given “something for him to sleep.” Weird. I have talked to Donald at the same time 9 of the past 11 days, sometimes even later and he was always wide awake and nowhere near bedtime. Its a Friday night and they have him sedated for sleep at 6:30pm?? Something sounds fishy to me. He has mentioned the time out room twice this week. I have a feeling they are seeing his rages and medicating him to an extreme level. It could be the only way to control his rage so I am not judging at all, I am just glad they are getting to see a glimpse of what we saw and wish they could give us more information. I hope they are reporting this to his case worker. If they are, she sure isnt updating me. At this point, I am not even sure if I am his legal foster parent. And since the very day he was admitted, no one has contacted me from the hospital with any information, or even to ask questions. I hate being so out of the loop. If we are supposed to be his FAMILY and working towards reunification (albeit a long time away), don’t they think it would be helpful for us to know what’s happening during his hospitalization? Grrrr. I hate political crap.

Overall, a very good day with Daffy. The morning was tough as she was convinced that she was NOT going to go to school, but once we put our foot down about that one, her mood shifted and she actually had a great day. I noticed her calling Mickey & I “Mom” and “Dad” quite a bit this afternoon. So cute. It’s music to my ears! 🙂 I am going to go cuddle her before bedtime! Have a great night!

-Minnie xo

[All names have (obviously) been changed to protect the privacy of our family.]

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  1. I just stumbled across your blog, after seeing you had linked to mine. (Thanks!)

    I am SO sorry that you are having such huge struggles with your new kids. Having gone through some extraordinarily tough times with my own adopted child, I know how difficult and heartbreaking this can be.

    The only thing I can suggest is that you proceed VERY carefully with regards the adoption of these children. Although I agree that kids aren’t like shoes that should be returned at the first sign of trouble, my experience has taught me that some kids do NOT get better. We were told, when our kid started becoming physically violent just prior to the adoption, that this was simply a “phase.”

    It wasn’t a phase, and our child has been physically, verbally and emotionally abusing us for the past 3+ years. My partner and I have been hit, kicked, bitten and spit on. We’ve had things thrown at us, and had furniture and property destroyed. We have been threatened (both physically and verbally) with weapons, and we’ve had the police out to the house at least five times in the past three years.

    Each time, we’ve been told there is “nothing” the police can do. We have begged for appropriate mental health care, and the county tells us they don’t have any money, and therefore there is “nothing” they can do either.

    I am deeply worried for you and your family, especially because counties do not always continue the support they promise after the adoption is finalized. Once we sealed the deal, our county withdrew all mental health support, even though they had promised otherwise. Their response has mostly been, “you adopted, now the kid is YOUR problem.”

    Again, be very, very careful. Make sure that you will have the proper supports in place before you sign the dotted line. Make sure that you have a guarantee that your agency won’t back out of their Adoption Assistance agreements once you have finalized. The state COUNTS on foster parents falling in love with their kids to the point that they will do ANYTHING for them. Unfortunately, this sometimes means that families end up in trouble because they have taken on children they can’t control or safely keep at home.

    Once the adoption is finalized, and one of your kids hurts another, YOU end up in trouble. The system is designed to assign blame, and even though you may go into things with the best of intentions, YOU will be held responsible for your child’s violent or anti-social behaviors. It won’t matter that you weren’t the parent who created the damage in the first place.

    Love your kids, absolutely, but don’t let that love blind you to what can sometimes be the ugly reality of post-adoption abuse allegations and investigations.

    Be well. I wish all the best for you guys.

    • Thank you SO much for taking the time to share your story and your advice! There is so much more to consider than I ever imagined when we started this process. I truly believe you are right about some kids not getting better and I fear Donald may be among them. While I feel horrible about the abuse he suffered, I can not allow that cycle to continue with him abusing his sister and the rest of my family. This is definitely going to be a long process and we will just try to figure it out as we go. *sigh*


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