Yesterday I finally was able to get the number for a former foster family of Donald & Daffy. The kids were with this family when they were very young and then again at another point after they were taken from their biological mother for a second time. I had wondered why this family did not adopt Donald & Daffy since I knew they had adopted other kids. When I asked this at a recent team meeting, we were told this family wasnt interested in adopting them and just in foster care at that time.
Last night we called them and Daffy was able to talk to them. When she was finished, they asked to talk to me and gave me some brief info including the fact they had a lawyer and fought to keep the kids!!! Can you just imagine the old wounds that I opened? I feel so tricked by the state who led me to believe that this family hadnt wanted to adopt them when CLEARLY they did. They put on brave voices but I could sense the pain that THEY were not the “forever family” at the end of the day.
The call was very close to Daffy’s bedtime and she literally hung on me the entire time I talked to them. When I asked her to get back on the phone to say goodnight she started melting down because she would not have time to finish the movie she was watching before dinner. I hung up with promises to keep in touch. Mickey followed Daffy to her room to read a book and she started screaming that she only wanted me. It breaks my heart that she is not able to connect with Mickey right now. As much as I wanted to be stubborn, I did go “chat” with Daffy and she was able to calm down which gave me a chance to remind her that she does not have to be out of control. She does have choices.
This morning, I woke to a series of irritating emails, some good, some bad.
First, the state is now recommending that the SCHOOL do Daffy’s testing for ADHD. They dont believe the powers-that-be will approve a neuro psych exam or a visit to the nurse practitioner. I suggested going the school route 2 or 3 weeks ago and was told to wait. While I dont mind having her tested through the school, this totally creates a new delay since the school will have to go through the entire formal process and in the end, they dont have the ability to diagnose ADHD. WHO exactly is looking out for this child’s best interest??? Its certainly not the state despite what any paperwork states.
Second, I got an email from the group home that due to “personal commitments” none of their staff of 20 or so is available to meet the first week of April for a meeting our social worker requested to discuss the mixed messages being sent to Donald. Are you kidding me??? If I showed that little level of commitment, my foster parenting days would be over. I am a VERY fair person and hate that they are held to a different standard than I am!
Third, I got an email stating that Daffy can write a letter to her biological mother than will actually be mailed. It will need to go through her caseworker and any return letter will as well which is comforting, but I am still nervous. I am nervous her biological mother will still not take responsibility for her actions send confusing messages to Daffy. I am nervous that her biological mother will not give any sort approval or indication of acceptance at Daffy being adopted which will just add confusion to the transition and attachment work. I really do want Daffy to have the information she is seeking (which is whether or not her bio mom is safe) but I fear what else may happen as a result. I do want to be supportive of her quest for information because I know how important my own quest was an adoptee. I really felt like I needed to know… and I DID need to know…. but I wasnt nine. And I wasnt in foster care not yet attached to my adoptive parents. *sigh* I never would guessed how complicated this would be.
In Donald news, his liver tests are showing great improvement. We also learned that yesterday one of the staff took him to a local park to take photos of nature and he fell in the RIVER! Apparently she had to go in after him, even though the water was only a couple feet deep. Between that and the horse stepping on his foot, I’d ask “What next?” but trust me, I dont want to know.
[All names have (obviously) been changed to protect the privacy of our family.]