Minnie Answers Your Questions

questionsAs I mentioned the other day, I’ve been planning to publicly answer some of the questions that have been asked in the comments on my blog. Daffy went to a friend’s house for the day, so no time like the present to get started! 🙂

Reader Danielle asked, Have you thought about an out of home placement for Daffy? Is she safe to live with?

So, I’ve been staring at this question for ten minutes now and I really don’t know how to answer. Do I think she is safe to live with? Well, no, not really. But has she done anything truly dangerous or taken a life at this point? No… and no one seems to care about safety issues until AFTER something major happens. Ultimately, we are playing the waiting game…. praying that she doesn’t truly hurt anyone, but at the same time, knowing that is a very real possibility. In many ways, we are just biding our time. Tink told one of our post-adoption social workers in November that if Daffy is the “reason for the death of anyone in my family, I will end up killing her.” Rather than see this statement as describing the level of Tink’s intense fear for our family, the worker forwarded it to the state post-adoption worker who, in turn, told us that Daffy is risking her son by making such threatening statements, in affect, silencing Tink. How can it be considered threatening when Tink is only reacting to the verbal and non-verbal threats from Daffy in the first place?? If you’ve been reading my blog lately, I’m sure you’ve seen this is an ongoing issue… the more I try to get the workers to see the reality of what is going on, what Daffy is capable of, and how we feel, the more her current therapist tells them that absolutely nothing is wrong with Daffy. Since she is the “professional”, our opinions are quickly dismissed (even when we have produced drawings and documented threats along the way). I am continuing to fight for an accurate diagnosis. I understand that the diagnosis won’t change Daffy, but it may, however, change the opinions of the workers thus allowing us (and Daffy) to finally get the supports we need.

Reader Kate asked, “Has Daffy ever been evaluated for FASD?

Not to my knowledge, but we are in the process of scheduling a full neuro psych evaluation. I’m hopefully that the doctor  will be familiar with many of the common disorders of adopted and foster children (especially those with extended time in group care) and will be on the lookout. According to Daffy’s Adoptive History, her birth mother did not report drinking during pregnancy, but of course there is really no way to know if that is true.

Reader Jackie asked, “Could you bypass the social worker and take her to a private therapist of your choosing who will take this situation seriously?

Yes, I could, and probably will in the not-so-distant future. I’m trying to give a fair shot to the program implemented by the state’s post-adoption unit. They signed us up for a 90 day in-home service plan and just approved continuing the case for another 90 days. Given that the post-adoption unit is paying for this service, I feel like I should definitely try to gain anything from it that I can. However, I don’t have very high expectations after how things have gone in the first 90 days. In addition, I am completely fed up with Daffy’s current therapist and her refusal to look at the reality of the situation and will definitely be making a change to another therapist in the future. I haven’t made any changes yet because I want to wait for the results of the neuro psych exam and see if the current social workers follow through on her suggestion that Daffy participate in TFCBT. I’ve learned that making too many changes at once means it’s not clear what is working (if things improve) or what isn’t working (if things go down hill.) I hate taking things so slowly, but I also want to be thorough.

Reader Cyn asked, “Have you considered calling your local police dept and ask what services they would make available to a family if she were old enough to be charged?

I have not contacted my local police about Daffy yet, mostly because of our experience with the police when Donald lived here. The police were absolutely useless and Donald was more actively violent and volatile at that time than Daffy is now. Donald had far crazier outbursts than Daffy, but at least you knew how he felt (angry) and what to expect (violence). Daffy is far smarter and much more deceptive, manipulative and vengeful (just as we were told by the group home staff before she transitioned here.) She is less likely to directly attack, but far more likely to plot something or hide it. For example, Donald attacked the dog right in front of us, whereas was caught Daffy punching the cat in the head only because of the video monitor we were using at the time (she has since broken it, of course). Living with Donald was terrifying because of how often he attacked, but living with Daffy has it’s own set of challenges because we never know what (or when) to expect something. Does that make sense? Anyway, if someone is seriously injured here, I will definitely push for her to be charged. I think that would be one of very few ways for us to be protected from her in the future and for her to finally get help. We’re already a living example that warning signs are ignored by professionals. It’s no wonder we see such violent crimes being committed by teenagers… no one wants to help until it’s too late. 😦

I’ll be answering more questions soon! If you have a burning question for me, please leave it in the comments and I’ll try to get to it in a future post. :)

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5 Comments

  1. furrcats

     /  January 26, 2014

    I’m so sorry this is going on

    Reply
  2. Cyn

     /  January 26, 2014

    Sneaky is often far more frightening than overt violence. Like living with a time bomb. I’m hoping & praying that someone will hear you in time to help. Surely the neuro-psych exam will show enough to at least move Daffy into a category for more intense services and help for all of you to protect yourselves.

    Reply
  3. lisey

     /  January 26, 2014

    How is Mickey relating to Daffy? It seems a large portion of the issue is that Mickey tends to agree with the therapist? When we were in a very unhealthy situation with a child custody battle, a counselor for us once said “Sometimes the only way to win a game of tug-o-war is to let go of the rope entirely.” We haven’t seen the child for 4 years.. but it was probably the healthiest move we could make. Can you give Daffy back to bio-mom and just wash your hands of it? It seems to me, if Daffy’s whole objective is to go be with Donald/bio mom, then she will stop at nothing to make that a reality and destroy your family in the process.

    Reply
  4. I am just wondering if Daffy reads your blog. I wonder how she would feel about it? I know this is often times your chance to vent, but knowing there is something clearly wrong with Daffy, psychologically, then I wonder how it will or does effect her if she reads this.

    Reading your blog has made me feel better about my decision not to adopt an older child. I know we are not ready for this. If I could ask one question though. If one of your children were diagnosed with a rare form of an aggressive cancer, what lengths would you go to save their life? Would you wait for a mediocre doctor to tell you try this little thing or that or would you rush to find the best help out there?

    I’ve always felt once the adoption is done, it’s done. That child is now yours, even if they are rejecting you for whatever reason. It is your job as the parent to do everything possible to save your child for the sake of your family and themselves. Please do not take my comment as a judgment towards you. I am in no way in your shoes or have to live what you do everyday. These are just my questions from what I get on your blog. I believe in the power of prayer and I am going to be praying for your family. I wish you all the best.

    Reply
  5. Stephanie

     /  July 31, 2014

    I truly admire you for all that you do for your family. I am also a foster/adoptive parent and I’ve seen some heartbreaking things in this system.

    The only question I have for you is about your bio father. I am still waiting for the conclusion to that story. Lol.

    Reply

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