Christmas Visit

christmas visitDaffy was supposed to have a visit with her birth mom to celebrate the holidays last week, but due to heavy snow, it was cancelled twice and Jan 2nd became the day. Daffy was disappointed that their Christmas visit was going to take place after New Year’s, but living 2.5 hours away from her birth mom and working around other commitments made planning difficult.

Daffy had an appointment with her therapist that same day which couldn’t have been better timed. We both attended the session and her therapist asked Daffy lots of questions about how she was feeling about her brother Donald and her birth mom. Daffy had been OBSESSING over her birth mom ever since she saw her with Donald at Donalds birthday party in Mid December. Daffy seemed very reserved at the appointment but did say she is very fearful that her brother is going to hurt her birth mom and her new husband. She said she wanted to talk to the state and I told her I would set up a meeting if she would like or she could write a letter. I asked what she would say and she said basically that the state is crazy for trying to put him back there and that he needs to be in a family with no pets and no kids… like we have discussed for almost a year!

So, anyway, Mickey, Goofy and I attended the holiday visit along with Daffy later in the day. We arrived right on time and Daffy sat nervously waiting, wondering if her birth mom would show up. Birth Mom & I had just emailed that morning so I couldn’t think of any reason she wouldn’t come, but the clock ticked on. Finally, a half hour later, her birth mom showed up, no excuse and no apology.

As planned, she arrived with her new husband and his young daughter. The first thing out of Daffy’s Birth Mom’s mouth was “So, I had to have another talk with Donald about SANTA!” I was stunned that she was saying this not only in front of Daffy but also in front of her own young step child. Its her belief that kids should know the truth… that there are good people in the world who will help out poor families but there is no Santa. WTF. I won’t even go off on my Santa rant right now.

Next, they got to exchanging gifts. Daffy seemed happy with the gifts her birth Mom got her, although awkward since we were in the middle of a food court and she was opening a whole box of gifts alone. Once the gifts were exchanged, I took a picture of them together and then made the mistake of sitting down. Daffy’s birth mom all but ignored her as she started to fill me in on all sorts of things going on with Donald and that transition and brought up NUMEROUS uncomfortable things. At one point, she said that the state never had any reason to take the kids and that they knew that and are currently making right by Donald but are “too late” for Daffy. I was BEYOND annoyed for several reasons. First of all, the state DID have reason to terminate her rights. When the birth mom appealed it, a higher court UPHELD it. Second, Daffy is safe, happy and loved. Her adoption isn’t and was never up for negotiation and any hint that it was sends the wrong message to Daffy. Daffy did not have a choice. The state made it very clear to Daffy’s birth mom when we met in August that there was NOTHING she could do to stop the adoption. At one point, I asked when Bmom met her new husband and she yelled over “Hey Daffy! When did the state take you away from me?? Was it 2006?” ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW???? Daffy was TWO YEARS OLD. You expect her to remember the dates and to remind YOU? OMG. I could have gotten up and walked away at that point, but sadly I stayed for more. She mentioned being admitted to a psych hospital a few months after her last visit with the kids. I was praying Daffy wasn’t internalizing that as her fault. I was stunned at the things she was saying right in front of her step daughter and Daffy, especially because she has always been so appropriate in the past. Its like this came out of nowhere.

We drove home in silence, but I couldn’t ignore what had happened. I asked Daffy if she believed that she had only been taken because another foster family had pushed for it and she said while that was true in her opnion, she knew it had happened because her mom couldn’t keep her safe. I know that was just one of many clarifying conversations we will have over the years.

I stewed the entire night about it and decided to email the team the next day. If these are the messages she is giving to Daffy, what the hell is she saying to Donald? Is she negating his entire history by telling him there was no reason that he was removed??? The CW seemed disturbed and said she would discuss it with Birth Mom at their next visit.

I haven’t learned any additional information about the “Mama hit me” incident, but hope they are doing what they can to get to the bottom of that!

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Our Christmas Visit With Donald

christmas visit

Smudged RTC initials in photos to protect Donald’s privacy

Donald told Daffy & I last night that he was “off level” for attacking two staff members. I emailed the clinician this morning to get more information about what happened and was told “staff has stated he has required seclusion for safety concerns such as attempting to attack staff, but to my knowledge he has not actually attacked anyone. In light of this heightened behavior, I would advise having an on-campus visit.” Honestly, I HATE having visits under these circumstances. Daffy has put up with enough abuse from her brother over the years that I hate to subject her to more. That said, it’s already 3 days after Christmas and more snow is on the way for our area, so I decided that it would be best just to get this visit out of the way. Mickey and Goofy came along, mostly for protection more than a true desire to see Donald.

The visit took place in Donald’s room at the RTC. As we looked around, I noticed some “artwork” hanging on the walls. One by the door was filled with stickers and Donald had written “XXX (name of RTC) is f*ckin b*tch and a$$e$”. Below that on his bookshelf he had written “I hate XXX (name of RTC)” I was surprised to see that the staff would allow such things to remain in his room. Goofy then asked for my cell phone to use my camera to take a picture of a message Donald had written on the back of his door. It read “Mama hit me”. I was stunned. I wanted to ask Donald about it, but didn’t want to incite his recent unsafe behaviors and also didn’t want to unset Daffy. I took a few more photos from a few different angles and promptly emailed them to the team (clinician, cw and GAL among others). Unfortunately the cw and clinician are both out of the office until 1/2/13 for the holiday so nothing will be done until that time. I don’t think Donald has any visits scheduled with his birth mom for this weekend, so I feel fairly certain he is safe.

I keep wondering where that came from. Is he remembering something old? Or did something happen on their Christmas visit? Will this be just one more thing the team excuses away along with his recent  “safety concerns”? How can they do anything BUT connect his behavior since Weds to his Christmas visit? Are they so desperate to get him off their caseload that they will put others, including him, at risk?

I guess time will tell….

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